What makes a bully?

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What makes a bully?

by ravingmad @ 2009-07-14 – 15:08:05

You know.....when you observe children in a playground there are always a few that will pick out a kid who perhaps wears glasses, or has large ears, or maybe is in some way dressed differently to the majority, and they will bully that child, or call him names or laugh at him. In adulthood similarly there are always some who will try to do down those who they consider to be different to their own perceived norm.

Why are some people like this? Is it in the genes to establish a pecking order as do animals? The animal instinct that makes chicks in a nest push the smallest weakest one out, so the remainder will have more food, and therefore a better chance of survival? The instinct that alpha wolves have to dominate their pack? Is this what bullying is all about?

I suspect it is! What do you think, and how can we solve it?
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50 Comments to What makes a bully?

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- deleted user (Visitor)
- 2009-07-14 @ 15:15:45
Bullies are insecure about themselves, thats why they bully others.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 17:57:46
  But lots people are insecure, and they're not all bullies, so is that the only reason?
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- xmillyxxx ^Pro
- 2009-07-14 @ 15:40:07
I was bullied throughout my childhood for being overweight.. My child gets bullied daily for wearing thick glasses... But as to what makes them do it.. Your guess is as good as mine! Maybe insecurities.. maybe they were/bullied so its natural to do the same?..

xx
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 18:04:41
  Could be Milly, or maybe genealogy also has something to do with it?
  - - xmillyxxx ^Pro
    - 2009-07-14 @ 21:33:21
    I dunno.. It might ..
    
    But what does a bully gain from it?.. In nature when the chicks push the smallest, they gain food.. Same with the dominant wolf, gains leadership. A bully only gains satisfaction of upsetting thier 'victim'..
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-14 @ 22:43:55
      That's true So there must be quite a lot of people/children who actually enjoy upsetting and hurting others - just for the sake of it that is - rather than as in "getting their own back" That's a very sad state of affairs - there seems to be more and more bullying going on in spite of all the attempts to stop it - is humankind becoming more and more sadistic?!!
      - xmillyxxx ^Pro
        
        2009-07-14 @ 22:48:34
        
        Thinking about it.. My daughters bully.. Her mother is rather similar.. When I attempted to talk calmly to her about her child.. She tried to belittle and shout me down.. I wonder if her mother was the same?..
        
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        ravingmad
        
        2009-07-14 @ 23:26:07
        
        Could well be! A case maybe of inherited genes plus learning by example. Seems there's so many different reasons it's going to be near impossible to stop it happening. Whatever will work in one case will probably have little or no effect on another
        
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- freeasthewind
- 2009-07-14 @ 15:41:07
Bullies are usually ones that are afraid of thierselfs and how the look are feel. They usually dont like thierselves so pick on others to make them feel better. And I dont know if there is anything you can do to stop it
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 18:25:21
  It's sad to think that this is all they can think of to make themselves feel better though - what happened to getting absorbed in a hobby, for instance, and demonstrating your worth with your prowess in it?
  - - freeasthewind
    - 2009-07-15 @ 02:48:08
    It is said but if you really look into it. You might find that the bullies are or have been bullied and made fun of thierselves and so they act that way to others. It is really said
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- Mumzie
- 2009-07-14 @ 15:46:28
Mmm, difficult to say as I wasn't a bully, but knew of some. They picked on my friend as she was tall for her age. Not sure why really as I was tall too, but I've always been a peace maker, and try to get everyone to like me.

In children its a power thing, in many aspects of their little lives they have no control, to have control over another child must be very addictive to them.

Adults, I think you're right, they don't like themselves very much...and pick on others to improve their sense of self worth. Power again I guess.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 18:30:04
  You say that you and your friend were both tall, and they picked on your friend but not you. That leads me to wonder if they pick on children who are different, or if they look for a difference they can pick on if there's a child they don't like?
  - - Mumzie
    - 2009-07-14 @ 20:11:11
    You could be right. There was perhaps an inch's difference in height with me and my friend, but she tended to look down on people in more ways than one, especially this group as they were poorer financially than us...I'd mix with anyone I just like making friends, but she didn't. I guess they saw that in here and picked on her, shoving her, calling her names, but still she looked down at them.....
    
    I think kids make meaner bullies...they have the ability to spot someone who stands out a bit.
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-14 @ 22:48:07
      I think adults have the same ability to spot "differentness" but have probably learned to be more cunning about concealing their awareness.
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- la_spice
- 2009-07-14 @ 15:50:52
Tough question there - if only we could find a solution rather than an answer. I suspect the solution lies in learning about respecting others from a very early age.

I've observed many forms of bullying and sometimes I feel that the bullies don't even recognise that they are being bullies. They simply flex their muscles and see how far they can push the boundaries.

In a nut shell learning and practicing mutual respect would help reduce bullying.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 18:34:21
  You could well be right Marian, but nowadays more and more children go to nursery school at a young age, so why, I wonder, do they not learn about respecting others in nursery school. Surely the nursery teachers try to instil it in them!
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- trulyfab
- 2009-07-14 @ 16:19:54
Carebear (my daughter) is currently being bullied,victimised whatever you want to call it because i would'nt allow 2 of her so called friends into the house to watch a DVD. I can only explain it to her that they did'nt manage to get there own way so they are being horrible. Was back for half an hour yesterday and had to go to 3 seperate sets of parents as she had over the weekend ben pinned up against a wall, her hair pulled and was left destraught. 2 saets of parents were mortified the other set i can only describe as assholes as they said they had heard nothing about it at the time and so they would'nt punish there child. Can i just add i got a text msg on sunday telling me this but as my travel pass was for Monday i could'nt get home to deal with it there and then. The 3 girls involved do not have the same set of friends very long as they turn when things don't go there way. I was very pleasent when speaking to there parents but also reminded them that there kids are now of age that the police would be involved if it happened again. I have told carebear not to show she is scared if she see's them in the street and to stick with her friends at all times.
It really is a power trip for these people, i'm not sure if you remember that i had to get H.R involved when my line manager turned nasty against me and i finally walked out leaving myself unemployed but if i had'nt i would have lost all the confidence i had built up over 2 years. Sorry for rambling.
Donna x
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 19:01:07
  Don't worry about rambling Donna, that was a really interesting comment! Seems as though the understanding parents hadn't had any more success at teaching their offspring not to bully than the ones who apparently didn't care! Also interesting to note that you have also suffered from bullying in the workplace, which makes me wonder if both you and your daughter have perhaps inherited a submissive gene (no offence intended - I have also been bullied in the past), giving cause to you both having been victims of bullying.
  - - trulyfab
    - 2009-07-14 @ 19:38:21
    No offence taken, both my daughter and myself are nice people who find it hard to say no and therefore we get the urine extracted regularly. I can talk the talk but find it hard at times to walk the walk if you know what i mean. What i did find intresting when talking to one of the parents was that she informed me that every child will get picked on at some time in there life, a comment i disagree with. sOrry rambling on again
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-14 @ 22:10:59
      I think that's part of the problem Donna - that no one seems to agree about why it happens, or why some children seem more susceptible than others, or even (as per the parent you just mentioned) if some children ARE more susceptible than others. I really think a lot more research needs to be done on the subject before we will be able to find a solution.
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- DominicGee
- 2009-07-14 @ 16:54:03
Bullying is a form of self-expression for people who have not yet learnt to (a) express themselves properly and (b) believe that people will only accept them if they belittle those who are an easy target.

In order to prevent bullying you'd have to combat this frame of mind, something that is probably impossible to eliminate altogether while still being able to teach and control them while they're kids.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 19:05:26
  Is this frame of mind an inherited thing do you think, or is it something picked up from adults and other children when children are still in their formative years?
  - - DominicGee
    - 2009-07-15 @ 11:46:19
    My guess is that it results from the same kind of things that make up other facets of our personality - psychologists would be able to hazzard a response. I shy away from blaming DNA though as (a) it reliquishes responsibility from both the indivudual and the parents and (b) can lead to discrimination based upon genetics. It goes back to the old measuring head technique some Victorians used to detect criminals.
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-15 @ 18:14:03
      I know what you mean about blaming it on DNA, although there is no doubt in my mind that our inherited characteristics have more than a little to do with our personalities, but just like our inherited physical characteristics it's a bit pot-luck which personality traits are passed on and which are not. I do think a lot of people are all too ready to pass all the blame onto parents though, and that there's also a lot of non acceptance of responsibility for their own actions by youngsters. The "Blame culture" seems to be rife nowadays.
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- skip2468
- 2009-07-14 @ 17:46:28
Whatever the actual reason may be let's start with 'human instinct' - some of us manage it while others fail.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 19:06:36
  That would be the genealogy theory then?
  - - skip2468
    - 2009-07-16 @ 23:12:43
    Wait till I check Google - lol
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-16 @ 23:46:55
      Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
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- mojacar
- 2009-07-14 @ 19:09:10
I was never bullied at school, I was a bad tempered child, and they gave me a wide berth!

Both my son and daughter were quite badly bullied. (they used my daughter as a rugby ball, because she was small)
Both my children have educated themselves after leaving school, and now hold down better jobs than the people who bullied them.

I think a lot of it is down to jealousy and envy on the part of the bullies. It is not easy to live through it, anyone being bullied has my sympathies.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 21:44:13
  I'm not so sure that jealousy and envy is the main reason, as there was a girl in my class at junior school who was bullied by a group of children, but she was from a very poor family, and rather plain as well - there was nothing whatever for anyone to envy in her! I think they just wanted someone to bully and picked on her because she looked and spoke differently from the rest of us. I felt sorry for her, but I was afraid to stick up for her in case they started on me, so I just kept out of it.
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- lostjohnny
- http://lostjohnnyparadox.blog.co.uk
- 2009-07-14 @ 19:44:16
Fear of dominion forces the individual to express or act in a manner that intimidates, "bully". The need to prove they are important, stronger, better etc
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 22:18:18
  But why do some need to act in that way and others don't? Is it pure animal instinct as in the alpha male/female in pack or herd animals, that only further evolution may possibly curtail, or is it because we have failed to teach our children how to assert themselves without using aggression?
  - - lostjohnny
    - http://lostjohnnyparadox.blog.co.uk
    - 2009-07-14 @ 23:18:31
    Possibly both more one than the other afterall it is not natural to be assertive wheras it is natural to have herd mentality and alpha instinct - most people will naturally swing between two basic types active or passive depending on the circumstances.
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-14 @ 23:39:25
      So you tend to favour genealogical instincts being the major reason, with some tempering having been achieved by training.
      - lostjohnny
        
        http://lostjohnnyparadox.blog.co.uk
        
        2009-07-15 @ 00:10:24
        
        Yes that would be my opinion
        
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- SeasideMan ^Pro
- 2009-07-14 @ 20:58:07
I think everyone has made good points and given reasonable explanations, which leads to the conclusion that too much generalisation on this subject is inappropriare: every case is different. Probably every bully has a different reason for doing it.

One reason not mentioned yet is the inferiority complex. Bullying is one way to cover one up.

Tom.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 22:34:47
  A good point that, about the inferiority complex cover up. There are many cases I can think of where that would appear to have happened!
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- deleted user (Visitor)
- 2009-07-14 @ 22:20:58
Lots of reasons , Susie , including insecurity , fear , stupidity and sadism .
And as you suggest it's possible that in some cases there could be genealogical factors at work .
Schools , and other institutions and workplaces need to have stringent policies to deal with genuine , malicious bullying , which is never acceptable .
When there's the possibility of compensation claims for alleged bullying or sexual harrassment in work enviroments there'll always be a few people who will grossly exaggerate cases , but that's a different issue .
Martin .
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-14 @ 23:09:52
  I agree with all the reasons you put forth Martin, and yet still a part of me wonders WHY!! Why does fear in one person turn to aggression while in another it manifests by them being subdued; why does insecurity in one human make them a bully, while in another they become victimised or depressed..... So many different permutations - how can we ever hope to overcome them all?
  - - deleted user (Visitor)
    - 2009-07-15 @ 00:04:54
    Oh , Gosh , Susie , I suspect that one could have degrees in psychology , sociology , criminology , philosophy and divinity and still not be able to definitively answer those questions !
    Martin .
    - - ravingmad
      - 2009-07-15 @ 00:29:24
      A bit like what's the meaning of life eh?
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- Bearcub
- 2009-07-15 @ 00:31:33
I would suggest a combination of insecurity and agression myself
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-15 @ 01:02:16
  That sounds very much like many bullies
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- avenscent
- 2009-07-15 @ 18:49:10
A good post susie. I still get bullied now in my adult life at times, i dont know what we can do about it there are some horrible people who it seems are nobody unless they are stamping on somebody else.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-15 @ 20:58:21
  Stamp back!! Bullies are generally cowards
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- deleted user (Visitor)
- 2009-07-15 @ 21:28:15
They say it is fear and weakness. Fear of being or becoming what that oddball they pick on is. They fear it because they wouldn't be able to cope with it so they sort of distance themselves from it in the most violent and desperate way.
I don't know.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-15 @ 22:11:56
  I guess it could be fear in some instances, animals after all often react with aggression when they're scared, but it doesn't appear to be that in the majority of cases. When someone is picked on and held up for ridicule for being small, or tall, for instance, I'm sure that fear of becoming like that person couldn't be further from their mind. Similarly when someone is picked on for being a bit of a swot or a geek, I doubt that it's fear of becoming more educated which is the motivating force. It seems to me it's more like "I hate anyone who's very different from me, but I don't know why and what's more I don't care, I just want to make them miserable because I don't like them, and I can, so I will!"
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- Gwearbennen
- http://hedgerowart.co.uk
- 2009-07-23 @ 15:58:19
I've been bullied one way or another nearly all my life! Charming people to outsiders, you'd never for one minute think they could inflict cruelty on others.
Perhaps the question is more along the lines of ' what makes a person prone to being bullied?' or something like that?

But I agree that bullies tend to be insecure about themselves and need to show power over others.
- - ravingmad
  - 2009-07-23 @ 17:26:11
  Well that poses a whole different question Do you think some people are more prone than others, or is it just pot luck?
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