If you don't love your partner any more, is it better to leave them or stay with them and have an affair?
(Hypothetically).
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- http://thesilentonespeaks.blog.co.uk
- 2008-10-24 @ 08:32:44
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 09:39:22
I agree completely about being honest.
But somehow, it seems so much harder to justify going just because it doesn't feel right any more. Much easier if you can say: 'I've met someone else and that's why I've stopped loving you'. Not that I would use someone in that way, but I hope you can see what I'm saying.
Easier still of course to say, 'oh well, I guess it's not that bad, I'll just stick with it', which is what I've been doing for years. And years. And years. And it never gets any better.
BTW, I meant to say, this a hypothetical question, of course. Well, the lover part is, at least!-
- http://thesilentonespeaks.blog.co.uk
- 2008-10-24 @ 10:12:41
In my situations I have tried and tried and TRIED to fix it...I had spent days and night Thinking things through...trying towork things out and all I Ever got was physical pain in my body because of the stress of it all and I was becoming ill due to the fact that I didn't understand why this person was cheating...so one day I woke up and thought...Enough is Enough...who Is the most Important person here?...Who is the one that needs to be loved and respected?...Who is that Needs to be free from the Hell of Emotional Distress?...ME Thats Who...and so I Took a Deep Breath and took the bull by the horns and Spoke my Thruth.
Do you know the releaf I Recieved through doing that...The Physical Pain left me Instantly...My Headaches Stopped...and I could actually SEE my self as being the Most Important Person alive...Because...If I was to crumble away there would be Nothing and No one to share anything with in the future.
It is Hard work trying to speak your Truth...we always worry what the reaction of the other person is going to be...if we have children involved also we Fear that our Not now partner will not allow us access...There is so much that comes with Leaving...BUT...and I stress the BUT...Time does Heal and if Proper discussion can be held then all will be well.
bbs I have to go feed my Crone mothers cat...
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- http://thesilentonespeaks.blog.co.uk
- 2008-10-24 @ 08:35:17
When I say I have been in this situation I mean...I have been in a relationship and they have cheated on me...They did not Have the BALLS to Face me and tell me...Weaklings!
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AmethystLady
Pro - 2008-10-24 @ 09:07:24
I agree with Naomi.
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 09:40:16
I agree too.
Please read my answer to her! -
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SeasideMan
Pro - 2008-10-24 @ 10:12:31
I agree with TSO. Honesty is the best policy and cheating is...cheating.
Tom.-
Hi
I have been in the same position and hated it.
I can now see how egocentric I was being at the time
If you have been with someone a long time it might be worth trying relationship counselling. For those who have not tried it, it certainly is not patronising or 'middle aged and middle class' I found it aggressively challenging, and learned more about sexual reality than I thought existed. All counsellors will help either to repair/improve the relationship or help you both with the breakup.
Good luck. Take advice, and in the end trust yourself.
The you is,of course, hypothetical!
Alan-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 19:25:01
We tried that.
Probably we were both too uptight to benefit from it I don't know.
It all seemed very nice when we were in the room with her, but nothing really changed.
Is that because I didn't really want it too? Or because he didn't? Who knows.
the fact is , things just slipped back into their old pattern. Or even worse.
How many times do we have to keep trying?
Hypothetically.-
I am probably the last person in the world to listen to on this subject
For what it is worth I went through the same agonies of indecision. In the end I had no option but to make a decision. As the Silent One and some others have said a lot of the negativity falls away once you have made a decision and done something about it. The decision is to stay or to go.
There is an acronym that is useful when looking at your fears. It is False Evidence Appears Real. We stop ourselves doing a lot of things because of our fears.
I am too old, The best years of my life are behind me, The children won't speak to me, I will die alone and unloved etc. We feel these but none of them are proven.Similarly he or she can't/won't change, doesn't care for me/is happy with our current situation may also be illusion.
You need to talk first. He may be as unhappy as you. A lot of men are secretly very scared of women and find it difficult to admit their fears or concerns in case they are seen to be weak or vulnerable. If you have spoken your concerns it is then up to him how he responds. You have then done your bit. Sometimes you have to step out into the void not knowing where you will land. It is scary but it is experiencing life and does give you the feeling that you are responsible for your own life whether you stay or go.
Whatever happens do not end up feeling a martyr. That is the worst possible outcome.
Good luck (again)
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 19:56:15
So, honesty.
How about:
'We do so little together these days, I'm not happy with the situation but I don't know what I can do about it. I only know that the thought of facing what's left of my life fills me with despair, and I want to try to find a different way. I'm grateful for the time we had, and I love the children we raised together, but this is just not working for me any more. I want to be free to find something else, on my own terms'.
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Good.
Sometimes though it is better not to prepare what you will say. Chose a time and place then let the words come. You may be surprised at what you can express when you allow yourself!
Alan-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-25 @ 20:57:41
It's always easier to think of the words to write than it is to think of them face to face
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lostjohnny
- http://lostjohnnyparadox.blog.co.uk
- 2008-10-24 @ 11:43:39
There is Love as in being in love with and then there is I love however I am no longer in love with you.
If there was no love time to bail!-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 19:29:23
There is also:
'we've been together for 30 years, and now the children have gone we don't do anything together any more.
I don't hate you, but we never touch, kiss, make love or talk about anything significant. You never stop me from doing anything I want to do, but the only time I come alive is when I'm with other people. Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?'
would you say that was 'time to bail'???-
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lostjohnny
- http://lostjohnnyparadox.blog.co.uk
- 2008-10-24 @ 21:10:26
I truly do not know even hypothetically I cannot put myself in that posistion. Perhaps joining the golf club or something might be more appropriate!
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grumpus
Pro - http://bobmblack.blog.co.uk
- 2008-10-24 @ 11:43:40
"If you don't love your partner any more, is it better to leave them or stay with them and have an affair?"
The question as framed is too simple.
I know from a lifetime of experience including a number of affairs, now long in the past, that relationships are far more complex.
A loving, well-meaning partner can still be a pain in the butt. Who's at fault, them or you? Are you too selfish? Have you tried explaining why they bug you? Are you comparing them with someone you'd rather be with? Do you just crave a bit more excitement? Have you fallen out of love with them? Did you ever love them? Why did you get together in the first place? How hurt will they be if you leave them? What will you miss about them? Who else will get hurt in all this? Will the person you have an affair with leave their partner? It goes on and on ...
In the end only one thing matters: your own personal happiness. But, be kind and let everyone else down gently!-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 19:33:12
'...only one thing matters: your own personal happiness...'
Do you think so?
What guarantees do I have of ever finding that?
all I know is, I ain't got it now
And that's not hypothetical (tho the affair is). -
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Meggiebeeb
- 2008-10-24 @ 13:40:51
I have done the whole stay and have an affair and it was awful and so painful for my partner and my psyche. I like to blame extreme stress and insanity for my affair but it was about my ego. My lover only filled one void and that was sexual everything else he let me down and was absent. Orgasms and sex are very powerful things and I truly believed I was in love with the other man but it was really a sick addiction that did not benefit me at all. Everytime I left our "meetings" I felt so terrible and miserable.In the end I realized that my husband even though I wasn't attracted to him sexually was my best friend and true partner in life and I really do love him spiritually and emotionally. As I have become more meditative and spiritual sex has become less and less important to me. He has accepted living without sex as we have everything else needed for a successful marriage. We started divorce proceedings three years ago we noticed the light going out of our daughter's eyes and we looked at each other and said our old lives as we knew them were over when we had her now
we must do what is best for her greater soul growth. We went to counseling and three years later are a happy and peaceful family. If your life would be better without your partner than leave him but don't cheat it is an awful journey of guilt and dispair.-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 19:39:52
If I felt my husband was my 'best friend and partner in life' I would live without the sex. In fact, I have done, for many years.
But now there seems to be so little we have left to share, now that the children have both gone.
and I'm not sure I want to spend what life I have left living without all that any more - or at least, if I do have to live without it, to do it honestly, on my own.
does that make any sense at all??
I'm glad you found happiness with your husband in the end. But for me, I think it would be an admission of defeat.-
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Meggiebeeb
- 2008-10-24 @ 20:02:04
I would never tell anyone to stay if they are not happy. I think you need to honor yourself and leave. Happiness is what we all deserve and I hope that you will have the strength to love yourself enough to leaave. God Bless and I wish you only the best. Life is too short!!!
M XO-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-24 @ 20:40:17
Thanks!
It is very scary though.
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the-living-dead
- 2008-10-25 @ 06:01:06
leave and save yourself of the guilt..
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 02:44:49
L - you know what you have to do! Reading this, and many other things you have written - it's plain to see! Do you need me to push you? Gx
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husbandorcat
- 2008-10-26 @ 08:05:55
I know.
But how/where the hell am I going to live???-
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 10:24:01
Seek and you will find! It may not be what your used to but you will be free - if that is what you want?
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husbandorcat
- 2008-10-26 @ 11:55:24
I'm seeking.
Haven't found yet tho
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:23:00
Have you looked under the bed?
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:27:03
Why?
Is someone lurking there???-
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:31:35
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 11:52:42
Go on then, Push me!
You know you want to!
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:27:38
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:21:38
For goodness sake push her!!!
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:24:03
Are we all pushing together?
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:28:08
In the same direction???
Come on now, all together....
HEAVE!!!!
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:33:12
Pushme-pullyou?
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:40:14
so, d'you reckon you could pull me???
Huh????
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:57:15
mwah! -
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:00:52
OK, that'll do it!!!
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 12:45:45
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 13:49:55
Talk about slow!!!
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 16:31:10
Who, me?
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 17:15:59
Laptop fixed now???
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 17:18:12
Stopped fiddling with it and left it alone for a while lol!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 18:36:54
best way. Give it a chance to recover.
you don't want to do the poor thing a permanent injury, now do you??? -
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 21:51:58
We are still talking bout my lap top aren't we?
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 22:01:48
Where else would you put your dongle???
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 22:19:45
Morally or legally ?
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 22:52:48
Physically!!!
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 22:55:21
Promises promises
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:39:18
It was supposed to be
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(you know what I mean!)
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:41:48
You pulling me????
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 18:37:43
... or just your leg???
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 21:57:56
Damn!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 22:01:02
the left one, the right one, or....????
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 22:15:24
Easy tiger!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-27 @ 23:02:52
Easy???
Or hard???-
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modone1966
- 2008-10-27 @ 23:04:29
Hard lol!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-28 @ 07:51:06
should've guessed
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modone1966
- 2008-10-28 @ 11:56:55
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:41:13
After three .....
one....
two....
three....
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:48:32
Pull?
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:54:08
I think she's stuck!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:55:43
... could take one helluva heave to shift me...
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:58:51
Could???? understatement!!!!
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husbandorcat
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:07:43
Well, it's all about practicalities, and what am I going to live off, and blah blah blah...
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:21:35
Give her a push lol!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:47:23
Sorry, did somebody say something???
I was a bit busy watching Tom Petty... -
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:54:41
Depends....
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:06:48
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:52:00
Is three going to be enough, I wonder????
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:57:55
101, 102, 103 ........
1101, 1102
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:03:00
Are we keeping you up???
BTW, did you change your clocks last night???
(Serious question)-
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modone1966
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:07:49
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:28:01
Not directed at you.
Probably you didn't need to...
or should you have done it twice???
Now I've confused myself...
easily done-
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:31:08
Maybe not, because the Canaries are in the Atlantic...
But are they on Spanish time???
too complicated for this time on a Sunday evening... -
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:18:10
No
and yes -
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:29:11
Thank you!!!
I understand your answer.
So, I assume they did the same in Berlin as well.
Important information
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:53:54
do you think we've slightly wandered away from the topic of morality???
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la_spice
- 2008-10-26 @ 19:56:30
You mean we've gone immoral!
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Melinda_blog
- 2008-10-26 @ 20:01:45
Speak for yourself!!!
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I have been in this situation...The most honest course of Action is to Tell your partner that you do not love them any more...life is not easy weather your with someone or not and if a person feels that their partner is not standing up to what you expect of them and you fall out of love with them because they are not giving you what you Think you need then You MUST Tell them.
Never stay and have an Affair...This not only damages the mindset but it also damages your partner because you are being decietful and lying to them and your self.
The other thing here is...You Get Know where with staying and having an Affair...all the ducking n diving to not get caught...all the lies...and then there is that nasty gut feeling you get deep down inside...'What will my partner think and do if they Catch me'...
Be Honest...Tell Your Partner you dont love them any more...And start a new life where you know you can live peacefully.
Why would anyone want to Decieve another on such a personal level...Oh it could be to do with that Nasty thing called...COntrol...and I am better than you...and I can do what I like because you dont take care of me.
Hmmmmm...This makes me kinda unsettled to think that ppl can not be honest and face their FEARS of being rejected.